5. How to formulate needs and wishes

Very well! You have taken your need seriously and have come up with a positive strategy to improve your situation. All that is missing is the last step, namely to get in touch with the other persons concerned and to communicate your wishes and needs to them. To do this, we would like to introduce to you a method based on Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication: Contact in Four Steps:

Surely you know this from your own experience: someone approaches you with a legitimate concern, but formulates it in such an emotional and judgmental way that you can do nothing but defend yourself. And the conversation turns into an argument that destroys more than it benefits.

To avoid this risk, some preparatory work is needed from the person raising the concern; in return, success is much more likely to be guaranteed. The most important thing when preparing for a conversation is that you yourself have clarity about your feelings, needs and your part in the situation. If your conversation-partner is not familiar with the concept of the Five Basic Needs, it is better to “translate” the need to help him or her understand. For example, instead of “My need for security was endangered”, you can say:” In order for me to contribute well, I need to feel safe.”

Also make sure that you approach your conversation-partner at a time when you are not disturbed and he or she is receptive.